Tiny Tim Responds to Tad's Challenge

I got several e-mails from Tiny Tim. In order:

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Dear moviesarefake,

That makes ten e-mails I sent to you. Tell that [nice old chap] Tad to [be aware that I am up to the challenge.] And by the way, if you call me "Tiny" Tim again, I'm going to hunt you down [a nice grain-fed antelope, which you will find to be most delicious,] and gut you[r antelope for you,] like a pig [, free of charge. And your blog is awesome.]

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Well, Tad, it looks like you've got yourself a challenge. So far, Tiny Tim is leading by a long shot. Are you really going to let someone named "Tiny" defeat you in your quest for fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes? What would he do with an abundance of babes? Exactly. He's too tiny. So let's see what you've got, buster!

More Correspondence From Tad

Tad writes:

Dear moviesarefake:
I have a question: [sorry, that is fake. I don't really have a question. I just want to have you publish more correspondence from me than from that Tiny Tim bozo. Bottom line is, I seek fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes, and being the most featured correspondent on your website seems the most logical and likely way for me to obtain my goal. Your website rules!]

-Tad

Interesting approach, Tad. Very straightforward. So you seek fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes by being the most featured correspondent on my website. I can completely understand your plan. We'll have to see if Tiny Tim has anything to say about it.

Tad Asks About Chick Flicks

Tad, that loyal, albeit somewhat odd, reader of mine, writes:

Dear moviesarefake:

Are all chick flicks fake?

Sincerely,
Tad
(via the Internet)

Yes.

A New Fan!

Dan writes:

Dear moviesarefake:
I'm starting to get pretty dang [concerned and worried about you] because the quantity of your posts seems to have dropped off since last month [and I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of other fans worldwide who share similar concerns and feelings. Plus, our lives have started to lose meaning since you haven't been] blogging as much anymore.
[If it isn't too much to ask, please find the time to deliver more posts. I really really like your website, it is amazing.]

Sincerely,

Dan Pippington
Cross Shepherd, East West Virginia

Dan,

Thank you for your kind, kind letter. Believe me, I do realize how much my blog posts mean to all of my loyal fans. All I have to say for myself is, Don't you realize the Olympics have been going on recently? What exactly is your problem? I don't owe you ANYTHING! Why don't you just shut the crap up and I'll post whenever I please.

Thank you again. Have a nice day.

Two Letters In One Day!!!

Two loyal readers wrote to me today. First I got another follow-up e-mail from Tiny Tim:

Dear moviesarefake:
What do you mean, does Roosevelt have the whole Internet? Do you even know how the Internet works? [Because I don't, and I would love it if you would teach me. And I really love your movie reviews, a lot.]

[Warmest regards,]
[Tiny] Tim Timson

Little Bill also wrote:

Dear moviesarefake:
I don't even have a big brother. And I'm not little - I'm like 6'4" and 225. And I don't even watch Pokemon. [I watch Little Einsteins. Ooh, I think that June is a hottie!]

[Loyally yours,]
[Little] Bill Kindling

I figured I would just answer both of you at the same time. I do not have the time to teach you how cartoons work. June is definitely hot, but not nearly so much as July and August. What does that have to do with the Internet? But thank you for your loyal patronage!

Tad Asks About Remakes

Tad, famous for his flawed "Sequels of Fake Movies Should Be Fake" hypothesis, asked:

Dear moviesarefake:

Are remakes of fake movies still fake? What if the remake addresses the thing that made the original fake - would that make the remake non-fake? [I really want to know, because I'm concerned that perhaps you might claim that a Star Trek movie is not real after all, and then the very foundation of my life would be shaken, but then perhaps I could remake the movie, and then my life would have meaning again. And, your website is totally teh bomb.]

-Tad

Thank you Tad, I assume you mean that last line as a compliment, although you misspelled the word teh. And your observation is very astute. Like I said before, every movie has to be evaluated on its own merit, independently of all others.

To give you an example, suppose a person was fake. Then suppose that person is reincarnated. The reincarnated version could be real. Then the reincarnated version could go back in time, and replace the fake version. I bet that has already happened.

However, in your particular example, if you remade any Star Trek movies they would probably also be fake, because you could not do it. Don't set yourself up for failure, dreaming impossible dreams.

Are Cartoons Fake?

A severely astute fake reader asks:

Dear moviesarefake:

Couldn't we just make a sweeping statement and declare that all cartoons and other animated features are fake? That would help out tremendously [because my big brother keeps saying that Pokemon is real and he is going to beat the crap out of me if I dare tell him that Pokemon is fake, and if you would back me up it would be awesome, because then he could beat the crap out of you instead of me. I'm so freaking sick of Pokemon anyway. And your website rules.]

["Little"] Bill Kindling
via the Internet

Nicely done, Little Bill. I'm so proud of you for having learned to use the Internet! I'm very glad you like this website, but unfortunately, we cannot make such a statement about cartoons and other animated features. To give you one example, I have not explored much under the sea, so it is very possible there is a pineapple down there, and that a sponge lives inside it. And don't even get me started on anime, which I'm pretty sure is real, much like kung-fu.

Like I said before, there is only one way to find out, and that is to watch every single movie and determine it for myself! Only then will I prove that movies are fake.

More Correspondence From Tiny Tim

I got some fake follow-up mail from Tiny Tim of Roosevelt, Utah:

Dear moviesarefake,

I wanted to address a concern I had about the letter I wrote you, which you posted on your blog. First of all, my name is not "Tiny" Tim, and I really don't appreciate you saying that. And also, where do you come off saying that there is no Internet in Roosevelt, Utah? Of course we have the Internet! [But please don't be upset by my e-mail, because I really love your website. A lot.]

["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Again, thank you, Tiny Tim, for your letter, although I must take issue with you on one topic - of course your name is Tiny Tim. What else would it be? However, I do stand corrected on the issue of whether Roosevelt has the Internet. A simple Google search revealed a company that provides Internet service to Roosevelt. But, I ask you: Do they have the whole Internet? I doubt it.

Regarding the Fakeness of Sequels

Tad writes:

Dear moviesarefake:

I am wondering if sequels of fake movies are also fake by definition. It seems to me that they should be. And likewise, if a movie is not-fake, any sequels of that movie would also be fake.

Can you please let me know if this is true? And if so, could you please hurry up and review one of the Star Trek movies? I'm very anxious for you to do this, because my entire life is based upon my conviction that Star Trek is real, and it would be nice if I knew for sure, so I'll know whether to try to get my money back from my Star Trek Convention registration.

Desperately,

Tad Thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............................................
(via the internet)

Dear Tad, I know your letter is fake because I can see that you do not even know how to spell your own last name. But the question, however, is worth discussing.

The short answer to your question is, unfortunately, that rule does not hold true: Sequels of fake movies are not necessarily fake.

To prove this, let's turn it around. Suppose you told a story about your life one day, like how you bought every possible type of TV dinner and watched every single episode of Star Trek in sequence without leaving the house, answering the telephone or even taking a shower. Then the next day, you tell another story about your life, about the time Jessica Simpson kept calling you on the phone, crying and begging you to please oh please just go out with her just once, until you finally relented. The second story is obviously fake, but the first one is obviously real. This proves that it is possible to tell one true story, but have a sequel be fake.

Now note that if you had told the second story before actually telling the first, even though the first one occurred several days earlier, it doesn't change anything. You are still a Star Trek wacko.

This proves irrefutably that sequels of fake movies could possibly be non-fake, as well as prequels. For example, just because "The Empire Strikes Back" may be fake (I don't know yet, I haven't done the exhaustive analysis) doesn't mean that "Attack of the Clones" isn't fake, and likewise, even if "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is fake, that doesn't mean that "Patriot Games" is not fake.

So, good news and bad news. The bad news is you will have to wait for me to analyze every single Star Trek movie, which is likely to never, ever happen. The good news is, you still have hope that one or more of them may not be fake! So keep reading and chin up. The bottom line is, we must definitively prove the fakeness of each and every movie ever made to demonstrate that all movies are fake. And it is my mission to do so, until every movie has been analyzed, or until I get bored. Carry on!

A Concerned Reader Pipes Up

I got this letter from another reader. I am so appreciative of all my loyal readers. I reply to each and every letter I get, and I really take all of the constructive criticism to heart, in order that I may make this blog better for you, the reader.*

Anyway, here is the letter:

Dear moviesarefake,

I just had to respond to your posting entitled Fake Correspondence Number 1. I get the impression that you may have changed the author's original intent of their letter by only quoting parts of it, interjecting terms, etc. I don't think that is fair. [And also, I really, really love your website, all of it.]

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Well, Tiny Tim, I thank you for your letter. In fairness, Mr. or Mrs. Withheld, author of Fake Correspondence Number 1, was a bit crass and offensive in their letter, so I just kind of changed the wording a little bit, to make it a bit more palatable. To myself, mostly. Anyway, I'm glad you really enjoy this blog. Although, I have to say I know your post is fake, because they do not have the Internet in Roosevelt, Utah.


*At least partially fake

Fake Correspondence Number 1

Even though this blog is relatively new, apparently I have at least one fake loyal reader. I present to you some fake correspondence here (edited for content and to fit this screen):

[Dear] moviesarefake,

I think your ... website [is really amazing].... You can take this letter and [post] it right up [on] your [website]. [I think that would be really amazing, because I really love everything] you [have written, it is totally hilarious, keep it up bro].

[Warmest regards],
(Name Withheld)
Carrot River, Saskatchewan, Canada

Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Withheld. I appreciate your kind words about my blog. I take the greatest care to make sure that you, my loyal readers, know why so many movies are fake, even if you live in a place that does not have movies yet (like Carrot River).