"Twilight" is Fake

"Twilight" is a movie about vampires that do not kill other people, and a woman who wants to have sex.

Gosh, that was incredibly easy. FAKE.

"21" is Fake

21 is a movie about a girl named Jill Taylor (played by Kate Bosworth) who laments a tortured childhood where she was forced to grow up playing blackjack with her father every single day, so to get even with him, she spends her entire college career as a part of a gambling club where they try to blow the professor's money as quickly as possible.

Where to begin with this movie? It is fake on so many levels. First, is Kate Bosworth even a real person, or just a reincarnated Erika Eleniak? Second, has anyone even heard of blackjack before? I'm not sure it is even a real game. Third, if Jill Taylor is also Lois Lane, why would she even be remotely interested in a Ben Campbell (played by Jim Sturgess) when she can have Superman? SUPERMAN!?!? Nobody can compare to him - he's Super! Fourth, can you really see the Bellagio fountains from the Hard Rock penthouses? I'm not sure that is even possible - check for yourself.

One thing that is NOT fake about this movie though - Jill Taylor doesn't even care for Ben until he is rich. That is totally true. But so much about this movie is not real that I have to call it: FAKE.

"The Other Boleyn Girl" is Fake

"The Other Boleyn Girl" is a movie about a guy who marries his childhood sweetheart, only for her to leave him and run into the arms of the king after he proves to be a less-than-ideal, er, romanticist. He then seeks revenge upon the king, but his plot is foiled before he actually starts planning it out when he is sent to the front lines of battle, wherein he rises steadily through the ranks from Buck Private to Four-Star General, becomes somewhat famous for completely dominating and obliterating his opponents, conquers countless enemies and becomes a formidable and menacing presence of a man, all the while plotting to return to the kingdom and avenge his loss, only to find out by this time that the king has passed away some time ago and now his ex-wife's niece/adopted daughter has become the Queen, and his ex-wife married yet another guy, and his life has been for naught.

Well, pretty much the movie actually only shows the part up until when he gets sent away, but I think the rest of the story is pretty much implied and obvious.

Anyway, one could argue that this movie is a chick flick and therefore fake by definition. One could also argue that it is historical and therefore not fake by definition. However, upon examination of the portrayed life of the king, we can see that it is fake. In the movie it indicates that the king is frequently unfaithful to his wife and having affairs. Is this like any king you know? I mean, let's be serious. Think of all the kings you've been acquainted with in your life. How many of them were ever, EVER unfaithful to their spouse? Exactly. FAKE.

Tiny Tim Responds to Tad's Challenge

I got several e-mails from Tiny Tim. In order:

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Hi.

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Dear moviesarefake,

That makes ten e-mails I sent to you. Tell that [nice old chap] Tad to [be aware that I am up to the challenge.] And by the way, if you call me "Tiny" Tim again, I'm going to hunt you down [a nice grain-fed antelope, which you will find to be most delicious,] and gut you[r antelope for you,] like a pig [, free of charge. And your blog is awesome.]

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson

Well, Tad, it looks like you've got yourself a challenge. So far, Tiny Tim is leading by a long shot. Are you really going to let someone named "Tiny" defeat you in your quest for fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes? What would he do with an abundance of babes? Exactly. He's too tiny. So let's see what you've got, buster!

More Correspondence From Tad

Tad writes:

Dear moviesarefake:
I have a question: [sorry, that is fake. I don't really have a question. I just want to have you publish more correspondence from me than from that Tiny Tim bozo. Bottom line is, I seek fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes, and being the most featured correspondent on your website seems the most logical and likely way for me to obtain my goal. Your website rules!]

-Tad

Interesting approach, Tad. Very straightforward. So you seek fame, popularity, and an abundance of babes by being the most featured correspondent on my website. I can completely understand your plan. We'll have to see if Tiny Tim has anything to say about it.

"The Dark Knight" is Fake

The Dark Knight tells the story of Rachel Dawes (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal), a lying, two-timing tease who delights in tormenting Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent with her sexual flirtations, only to deny them time and time again any chance of forming a serious relationship with her. As a result, Wayne and Dent eventually have her killed.

Aside from the fakeness/realness question on everyone's minds, I have just two words to say about this movie: Absolutebestsuperheromovieinvolvingacapedninjalikeuberbillionaireplayboymoonlightingasacrimefighter. Evar.

This movie was sooooooooo close! Soooo close to being real, I could literally taste it (popcorn and 7-up btw). Unfortunately, the movie people made it fake when they misspelled the title. Uh, hello people! That period of time when the sun is not shining is called "night," not "knight." Too bad, but that makes this movie FAKE.

"Aladdin" is Fake

"Aladdin" is a film about a young monkey, named Abu, who is the pet of a young man named Aladdin. And all Abu wants is to be free and not have to live stuffed inside an oil lamp anymore.

Many parts of Aladdin are real. For example, Princess Jasmine wants nothing to do with Aladdin at all until he shows up in his ultra-sweet ride, the flying carpet. Suddenly Jasmine is all hot and bothered and sneaks out of the house to ride in Aladdin's vehicle. This, we all know, is real. Chicks dig guys with hot cars; this has been proven by science.

What is fake about this movie is the Cave of Wonders. If you were an all-powerful sand dune, don't you think you would put some girls in there? Yeah, that's what I thought also. FAKE.

Reginald Speaks Up

A fake reader, Reginald, commented:

What do you mean, "movies are fake"???!?! I've seen some movies WITH MY OWN EYES and THEY WERE REAL!!! Get a grip, noob. [And I really, really love your blog btw!]

love,
Reginald

LOL! As if "Reginald" were a real name! And by the way, my name is not "noob," it is "moviesarefake" as you can plainly see from the blog title! Here's a suggestion - why don't you e-mail me the titles of some of the movies you claim to be real - then I will evaluate them and tell you that you are wrong. What do you say to that?

Still, thank you Reginald for your post. It is good to hear that you saw movies with your own eyes. This is similar to how most of us see the movies we have seen. Although, sometimes, I have viewed some movies with Jennifer Garner's eyes. What a trip! You'll never believe this, but her eyes switch the colors around - she sees blue as red and vice versa! Amazing.

Tad Asks About Chick Flicks

Tad, that loyal, albeit somewhat odd, reader of mine, writes:

Dear moviesarefake:

Are all chick flicks fake?

Sincerely,
Tad
(via the Internet)

Yes.

A New Fan!

Dan writes:

Dear moviesarefake:
I'm starting to get pretty dang [concerned and worried about you] because the quantity of your posts seems to have dropped off since last month [and I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of other fans worldwide who share similar concerns and feelings. Plus, our lives have started to lose meaning since you haven't been] blogging as much anymore.
[If it isn't too much to ask, please find the time to deliver more posts. I really really like your website, it is amazing.]

Sincerely,

Dan Pippington
Cross Shepherd, East West Virginia

Dan,

Thank you for your kind, kind letter. Believe me, I do realize how much my blog posts mean to all of my loyal fans. All I have to say for myself is, Don't you realize the Olympics have been going on recently? What exactly is your problem? I don't owe you ANYTHING! Why don't you just shut the crap up and I'll post whenever I please.

Thank you again. Have a nice day.

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" is Fake

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" is a love story about a very humanistic cyborg named "Tee Ecks" (played by Kristanna Loken) who travels back in time in pursuit of the man of her dreams, John Connor (played by Nick Stahl), willing to, uh, terminate anyone or anything that gets in the way of a relationship with her one true love.

Much of this movie is based in reality. For example, SkyNet, cyborgs, and time travel all have Wikipedia entries and are therefore real. There are people in my neighborhood who are definitely cyborgs from the future. I mean, I don't know that for a fact, but you really only have to look at them and you can tell. Also real: the fact that someone like John Connor would be interested in Tee. Without going into detail, let me just say Kristanna Loken + machine + vampire and we know we're really getting somewhere wild.

What is fake about this movie then? That other Terminator dude. He shows up, thinking that no, there's no way he's gonna let John and Tee get together. Instead he locks him in the back of a truck with Claire Daines, hoping maybe they will hook up (yeah, right!) and instead secretly hopes that maybe Tee will want him instead. Let's get real here. What would she ever see in someone like the Terminator? He's not her type at all! FAKE.

Two Letters In One Day!!!

Two loyal readers wrote to me today. First I got another follow-up e-mail from Tiny Tim:

Dear moviesarefake:
What do you mean, does Roosevelt have the whole Internet? Do you even know how the Internet works? [Because I don't, and I would love it if you would teach me. And I really love your movie reviews, a lot.]

[Warmest regards,]
[Tiny] Tim Timson

Little Bill also wrote:

Dear moviesarefake:
I don't even have a big brother. And I'm not little - I'm like 6'4" and 225. And I don't even watch Pokemon. [I watch Little Einsteins. Ooh, I think that June is a hottie!]

[Loyally yours,]
[Little] Bill Kindling

I figured I would just answer both of you at the same time. I do not have the time to teach you how cartoons work. June is definitely hot, but not nearly so much as July and August. What does that have to do with the Internet? But thank you for your loyal patronage!

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is Fake

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is a tale of woe and lost love, where Christine Baranski plays Martha May Whovier, a woman who let her long for acceptance and popularity get the best of her and lost her chance at a happy life with The Grinch, a man that could also double as a pet.

Note: This review is about the Ron Howard movie, not the Chuck Jones cartoon version with the same title, which might be real.

Anyway, this movie took some thinking. I was watching it, noticing that something about it just didn't feel right. "This movie seems fake," I thought to myself, "but I just can't put my finger on it.

I had to resort to math, and this is how I proved this movie is fake. Here's the proof:

Let Martha May Whovier = MMW
Let The Grinch = G
Let The Grinch's Dog = D
Let Cindy Lou Who = CLW
Let Mayor Augustus Maywho = MAM
Let Lou Lou Who = LLW
Let Betty Lou Who = BLW
Let cute = C
Let furry = F
Let pet = P
Let man = M


Now then.

MMW != C
CLW == C
therefore CLW != MMW.
G == F
D == F
therefore G == D.
MAM == M
LLM == M
therefore MAM == LLM.
CLW.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MMW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MAM.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(MMW) == TRUE.
LLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(BLW) == TRUE.
BLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(LLW) == TRUE.
MAM.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(CLW) == FALSE.
MAM.loathesEntirely(G) == TRUE.
G.loathesEntirely(MAM) == TRUE.
MMW.couldn'tCareLessFor(MAM) == TRUE.
CLW.isChildOf(BLW) == TRUE.


Ok, so what we have here is, MAM loathesEntirely at G and vice versa, but since G is also D, that means MAM loathesEntirely at D and vice versa, but a dog is a man's best friend, and MAM == man. Also, MAM isRomanticallyInterestedIn MMW and LLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn BLW. Also, CLW isChildOf BLW, and since BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn LLW, that means CLW isChildOf LLW is also TRUE. But MAM == LLW, which should mean that BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, which would also mean that MMW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, but MMW couldn'tCareLessFor MAM, and besides, that would also mean that CLW isChildOf MMW, but CLW == C and MMW != C so probably CLW isChildOf MMW is false. Furthermore, since CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn G that also means CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn D, which isBestFriendTo MAM, which equals LLW, thus LLW isBestFriendTo G, which equals furry, therefore CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn FriendsOf(F) where FriendsOf(F) equals the set of those interested in furry folk, which includes MMW, who is not the mother of CLW. Ergo, FAKE.

Tad Asks About Remakes

Tad, famous for his flawed "Sequels of Fake Movies Should Be Fake" hypothesis, asked:

Dear moviesarefake:

Are remakes of fake movies still fake? What if the remake addresses the thing that made the original fake - would that make the remake non-fake? [I really want to know, because I'm concerned that perhaps you might claim that a Star Trek movie is not real after all, and then the very foundation of my life would be shaken, but then perhaps I could remake the movie, and then my life would have meaning again. And, your website is totally teh bomb.]

-Tad

Thank you Tad, I assume you mean that last line as a compliment, although you misspelled the word teh. And your observation is very astute. Like I said before, every movie has to be evaluated on its own merit, independently of all others.

To give you an example, suppose a person was fake. Then suppose that person is reincarnated. The reincarnated version could be real. Then the reincarnated version could go back in time, and replace the fake version. I bet that has already happened.

However, in your particular example, if you remade any Star Trek movies they would probably also be fake, because you could not do it. Don't set yourself up for failure, dreaming impossible dreams.

Are Cartoons Fake?

A severely astute fake reader asks:

Dear moviesarefake:

Couldn't we just make a sweeping statement and declare that all cartoons and other animated features are fake? That would help out tremendously [because my big brother keeps saying that Pokemon is real and he is going to beat the crap out of me if I dare tell him that Pokemon is fake, and if you would back me up it would be awesome, because then he could beat the crap out of you instead of me. I'm so freaking sick of Pokemon anyway. And your website rules.]

["Little"] Bill Kindling
via the Internet

Nicely done, Little Bill. I'm so proud of you for having learned to use the Internet! I'm very glad you like this website, but unfortunately, we cannot make such a statement about cartoons and other animated features. To give you one example, I have not explored much under the sea, so it is very possible there is a pineapple down there, and that a sponge lives inside it. And don't even get me started on anime, which I'm pretty sure is real, much like kung-fu.

Like I said before, there is only one way to find out, and that is to watch every single movie and determine it for myself! Only then will I prove that movies are fake.

More Correspondence From Tiny Tim

I got some fake follow-up mail from Tiny Tim of Roosevelt, Utah:

Dear moviesarefake,

I wanted to address a concern I had about the letter I wrote you, which you posted on your blog. First of all, my name is not "Tiny" Tim, and I really don't appreciate you saying that. And also, where do you come off saying that there is no Internet in Roosevelt, Utah? Of course we have the Internet! [But please don't be upset by my e-mail, because I really love your website. A lot.]

["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Again, thank you, Tiny Tim, for your letter, although I must take issue with you on one topic - of course your name is Tiny Tim. What else would it be? However, I do stand corrected on the issue of whether Roosevelt has the Internet. A simple Google search revealed a company that provides Internet service to Roosevelt. But, I ask you: Do they have the whole Internet? I doubt it.

"First Blood" is Fake

First Blood is the story of the sheriff of the town of Hope (played by Brian Dennehy) and his infamous treatment of a Vietnam-war veteran that subsequently drove him into insanity and resulted in the violent mutilation and death of hundreds of people in many subsequent movies.

The whole premise of First Blood is based upon the drifter Vietnam veteran John Rambo. Throughout the movie, various references are made to the war and to John Rambo in the war - how he was awarded various medals for his heroism during the war, the places he'd been, the men he'd worked with and commanded, the equipment he'd used.

The key word here is "veteran." Veteran means survivor, i.e. someone who was in the Vietnam war and survived. Come on! There were no survivors of the Vietnam war! Every single person in that war died! FAKE.

"Wedding Crashers" is Fake

Wedding Crashers is the tale of a successful father, played by Christopher Walken, whose greatest desire is to see his two daughters (played by Rachel McAdams and Isla Fisher) get married and form the world's greatest table-tennis doubles team. I meant, get married to other people, sheesh.

I watched a brief clip of this movie last night while flipping through the channels. I knew it was fake when I saw Vince Vaughn keep getting decleated in football by Bradley Cooper. Where was the fight? The violence? If he won't even stand up and fight that dude, how could there have possibly been any crashes in the movie elsewhere? FAKE.

Regarding the Fakeness of Sequels

Tad writes:

Dear moviesarefake:

I am wondering if sequels of fake movies are also fake by definition. It seems to me that they should be. And likewise, if a movie is not-fake, any sequels of that movie would also be fake.

Can you please let me know if this is true? And if so, could you please hurry up and review one of the Star Trek movies? I'm very anxious for you to do this, because my entire life is based upon my conviction that Star Trek is real, and it would be nice if I knew for sure, so I'll know whether to try to get my money back from my Star Trek Convention registration.

Desperately,

Tad Thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............................................
(via the internet)

Dear Tad, I know your letter is fake because I can see that you do not even know how to spell your own last name. But the question, however, is worth discussing.

The short answer to your question is, unfortunately, that rule does not hold true: Sequels of fake movies are not necessarily fake.

To prove this, let's turn it around. Suppose you told a story about your life one day, like how you bought every possible type of TV dinner and watched every single episode of Star Trek in sequence without leaving the house, answering the telephone or even taking a shower. Then the next day, you tell another story about your life, about the time Jessica Simpson kept calling you on the phone, crying and begging you to please oh please just go out with her just once, until you finally relented. The second story is obviously fake, but the first one is obviously real. This proves that it is possible to tell one true story, but have a sequel be fake.

Now note that if you had told the second story before actually telling the first, even though the first one occurred several days earlier, it doesn't change anything. You are still a Star Trek wacko.

This proves irrefutably that sequels of fake movies could possibly be non-fake, as well as prequels. For example, just because "The Empire Strikes Back" may be fake (I don't know yet, I haven't done the exhaustive analysis) doesn't mean that "Attack of the Clones" isn't fake, and likewise, even if "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is fake, that doesn't mean that "Patriot Games" is not fake.

So, good news and bad news. The bad news is you will have to wait for me to analyze every single Star Trek movie, which is likely to never, ever happen. The good news is, you still have hope that one or more of them may not be fake! So keep reading and chin up. The bottom line is, we must definitively prove the fakeness of each and every movie ever made to demonstrate that all movies are fake. And it is my mission to do so, until every movie has been analyzed, or until I get bored. Carry on!

"Casino Royale" is Fake

In Casino Royale, Le Chiffre (played by Mads Mikkelsen) attempts to raise money to free oppressed African people, but his attempts are thwarted by James Bond and his beautiful Aston Martin.


And speaking of that, did you see that Aston Martin? What a beautiful piece of work that thing is. The look, the sound - ah. Such an awesome car. Just look at that thing. It is such an elite car, so rare - makes a Ferrari seem like a Corvette in comparison. Too bad he crashed it.

By the way, image credit courtesy pistonheads.com.

Anyway, that is what is so fake. If you had an Aston Martin, would you even take the risk wrecking it just to try to save someone like Vesper Lynd? Of course not! You'd cut your losses and move on, and protect that car. FAKE.

No wonder he let her drown at the end.

A Concerned Reader Pipes Up

I got this letter from another reader. I am so appreciative of all my loyal readers. I reply to each and every letter I get, and I really take all of the constructive criticism to heart, in order that I may make this blog better for you, the reader.*

Anyway, here is the letter:

Dear moviesarefake,

I just had to respond to your posting entitled Fake Correspondence Number 1. I get the impression that you may have changed the author's original intent of their letter by only quoting parts of it, interjecting terms, etc. I don't think that is fair. [And also, I really, really love your website, all of it.]

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Well, Tiny Tim, I thank you for your letter. In fairness, Mr. or Mrs. Withheld, author of Fake Correspondence Number 1, was a bit crass and offensive in their letter, so I just kind of changed the wording a little bit, to make it a bit more palatable. To myself, mostly. Anyway, I'm glad you really enjoy this blog. Although, I have to say I know your post is fake, because they do not have the Internet in Roosevelt, Utah.


*At least partially fake

"The Golden Compass" is Fake

In The Golden Compass, Eva Green plays Serafina Pekkala, the reincarnated witch form of Vesper Lynd who tragically died in a drowning accident in "Casino Royale," another fake movie. Serafina is on a quest to find James Bond who is running a research facility deep in the northern wilderness.

After some time into this movie you find that there is a machine being used by the wicked peeps that severs the connection between a child and his/her daemon. You have got to be kidding me. How stupid do they think we are? Dust is other-worldly! You can't sever the dust connection between a child and their daemon with some simple electronic machine! Give me a break. The Golden Compass is fake, fake, FAKE.

Fake Correspondence Number 1

Even though this blog is relatively new, apparently I have at least one fake loyal reader. I present to you some fake correspondence here (edited for content and to fit this screen):

[Dear] moviesarefake,

I think your ... website [is really amazing].... You can take this letter and [post] it right up [on] your [website]. [I think that would be really amazing, because I really love everything] you [have written, it is totally hilarious, keep it up bro].

[Warmest regards],
(Name Withheld)
Carrot River, Saskatchewan, Canada

Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Withheld. I appreciate your kind words about my blog. I take the greatest care to make sure that you, my loyal readers, know why so many movies are fake, even if you live in a place that does not have movies yet (like Carrot River).

"The Spiderwick Chronicles" is Fake

The Spiderwick Chronicles is a tale of a brave forest creature, named Hogsqueal (voice by Seth Rogen) who bravely awaits the day when he can finally free the forest from the fearsome dark lord Mulgarath.

I know this movie is fake because of the name. "Spiderwick" is the name of one of the secondary characters in the movie, the last name of the man who discovered the invisible forest creatures. Can you imagine how cruelly he must have been teased in junior high? He probably got the crap beaten out of him every day. Any loving parent would have changed their name and moved to a different city to protect their son with such a boneheaded last name. FAKE.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" is Fake

Alvin and the Chipmunks is a movie about a young woman (played by Cameron Richardson) who longs for the affections of her artsy neighbor (Dave) but has a hard time dealing with his schizophrenic delusions of a life with talking chipmunks.

Early in the movie, Dave comes home frustrated after having his music rejected for a recording contract. He angrily throws all of his musical equipment outside on the lawn, including his Roland keyboard. Later it starts to rain and he forgets that he has all of his equipment outside on the lawn for some time, until he is finally reminded about it, regrets his rash decision, and hurries outside to try to recover all of his equipment. After several trips he manages to bring all of his equipment inside.

This is what is so fake. After all of that heavy rain, he surely would have slipped and fallen, or at least dropped something, at least one time. FAKE.

"Batman Begins" is Fake

Since The Dark Knight was released today, I thought it fitting that I take this opportunity to tell you that its predecessor, Batman Begins, is fake.

Batman Begins is a movie about a long-time employee of Wayne Enterprises named Lucius Fox (played by Morgan Freeman) who is fired from his job for helping a new employee steal company property for personal use, and how he helps the new employee leverage himself into becoming the company owner, which in turn enables him to re-hire Fox to a more prestigious position in the company.

I knew this movie was fake near the beginning when Bruce Wayne and his friend, Henri Ducard, are sliding down a glacier toward a high mountain cliff after Ducard's crib was destroyed. Wayne manages to catch the unconscious Ducard with one hand, stop himself from falling off the cliff with the other just as Ducard goes over the edge, and then save Ducard (a 200 pound man, mind you) by doing a straight one-arm bicep curl of that man, lifting him up onto the cliff's edge. Who do you know that can do a dead curl of 200 pounds? Nobody who looks like Bruce Wayne, that's for sure. FAKE.

"August Rush" is Fake

August Rush is a movie about a homeless musician (played by Robin Williams) who discovers a musical prodigy, but whose dream of hitting the big time is shattered when the boy runs away forever. Also, he looks a lot like Bono.

August Rush is a musical movie. Here's a list of the songs in the movie:

• Main Title (Mark Mancina)
• Bach/Break (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Moondance (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• This Time (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Bari Improv (Kaki King)
• Ritual Dance (Kaki King)
• Raise It Up (Jaima Simone Nash)
• Dueling Guitars (Heitor Pereira & Doug Smith)
• Elgar/Something Inside (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• August's Rhapsody
• Someday (John Legend)
• King of the Earth (John Ondrasik)
• God Bless the Child (Paula Cole)
• La Bamba (Leon Thomas III)

Notice anything there? No "Finding My Way." No "2112 Overture." No "Spirit of Radio." No "Tom Sawyer." No "Manhattan Project." There is not a single Rush song anywhere in the entire movie. Talk about FAKE.

"10,000 BC" is Fake

10,000 BC is about the quest of an old warlord (played by Affif Ben Badra) to win the heart of a beautiful woman, who, in spite of all the kindness he showers upon her, refuses to give herself to him because she is smitten by a childhood crush that she can't let go of.

This movie didn't take long at all to determine it was fake. It's easy to tell. Know how? Because the woman in question, played by Camilla Belle, is a freaking hottie. There were no hot chicks that long ago! FAKE.

"National Treasure: Book of Secrets" is Fake

Here's another fake movie for you - National Treasure: Book of Secrets. It is a movie about a guy named Riley Poole (played by Justin Bartha) who has his Ferrari repossessed by the IRS, and his quest to get his Ferrari back by finding the ancient City of Gold.

There's a couple of things that clued me in that this movie was fake. First of all, there's this part where two characters played by Jon Voight and Helen Mirren swing on a vine across a chasm and land on the other side. After they collapse on the opposite cliff, they first scream, then laugh, then kiss affectionately. Are you serious? Old people don't kiss. Fake.

And, of course, they find the city of gold. But it is hardly a city. Los Angeles is a city. Paris is a city. This thing would hardly classify as a village. They should have called it the "neighborhood of gold" or the "hamlet of gold" or something. Fake.

So now you know - National Treasure: Book of Secrets is FAKE.

"Jumper" Is Fake

Jumper is a movie about a young girl (played by AnnaSophia Robb) who is given a snow ball as a gift by a young boy just before he has an accident in which she believes he dies, only to find out 8 years later that he actually survived the accident.

I watched this movie last night for the first time, and it took a while for me to determine whether it was fake. I finally clued in to it when a couple of the other characters (called "jumpers") went to a secret hideout in the middle of the Sahara desert. And when I looked around the hideout, I realized: "There is no sand anywhere in this hideout!"

Do you know how windy it is in the Sahara desert? Well, me neither, but I'm willing to imagine it gets pretty windy there sometimes. And that would blow sand all over everything, including secret hideouts. It should have had thin layers of sand all over everything.

And that's when I figured it out. "Jumper" = FAKE.

"Enchanted" Is Fake

On family vacation one of the movies my kids watched while I drove was Enchanted, with Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey. I've watched this movie before with my kids, and I hate to tell you, but: Enchanted is FAKE.
There's a couple of things that clued me in. First off, recall the morning after the first night Giselle stayed over at Robert's apartment. There is no way she could clean the entire apartment, take a shower, and make a new dress in so short a time, even with the help of the local city wildlife. Women just don't get ready for the day that quickly. Fake. And also, did you notice how Robert's girlfriend, Nancy, encouraged him to kiss Giselle as the clock struck midnight, to see if maybe it was true love between them? Women are very jealous creatures! Women I know get very jealous of other women that their boyfriends/husbands don't even care about! There is no way a woman would want her boyfriend to kiss someone else, even if it was to save her life. Fake.

So there you have it. Enchanted might be an entertaining family film, but it is FAKE.

Ground Rules

Before we get going here, I should establish some ground rules for determining whether a movie is fake.

1. If any part of a movie is fake then the whole movie is fake.
2. One need not actually see a movie to know it is fake.
3. Portrayals of "true" stories are not necessarily non-fake.
4. Determinations of "fake" are generally not subject to review.

If any of this is not clear, please accept my apology. I'm sorry.

Actually, that is also fake. I'm not sorry. I don't care if it is clear. Please accept my fake apology.