"Aladdin" is Fake

"Aladdin" is a film about a young monkey, named Abu, who is the pet of a young man named Aladdin. And all Abu wants is to be free and not have to live stuffed inside an oil lamp anymore.

Many parts of Aladdin are real. For example, Princess Jasmine wants nothing to do with Aladdin at all until he shows up in his ultra-sweet ride, the flying carpet. Suddenly Jasmine is all hot and bothered and sneaks out of the house to ride in Aladdin's vehicle. This, we all know, is real. Chicks dig guys with hot cars; this has been proven by science.

What is fake about this movie is the Cave of Wonders. If you were an all-powerful sand dune, don't you think you would put some girls in there? Yeah, that's what I thought also. FAKE.

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is Fake

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is a tale of woe and lost love, where Christine Baranski plays Martha May Whovier, a woman who let her long for acceptance and popularity get the best of her and lost her chance at a happy life with The Grinch, a man that could also double as a pet.

Note: This review is about the Ron Howard movie, not the Chuck Jones cartoon version with the same title, which might be real.

Anyway, this movie took some thinking. I was watching it, noticing that something about it just didn't feel right. "This movie seems fake," I thought to myself, "but I just can't put my finger on it.

I had to resort to math, and this is how I proved this movie is fake. Here's the proof:

Let Martha May Whovier = MMW
Let The Grinch = G
Let The Grinch's Dog = D
Let Cindy Lou Who = CLW
Let Mayor Augustus Maywho = MAM
Let Lou Lou Who = LLW
Let Betty Lou Who = BLW
Let cute = C
Let furry = F
Let pet = P
Let man = M


Now then.

MMW != C
CLW == C
therefore CLW != MMW.
G == F
D == F
therefore G == D.
MAM == M
LLM == M
therefore MAM == LLM.
CLW.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MMW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MAM.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(MMW) == TRUE.
LLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(BLW) == TRUE.
BLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(LLW) == TRUE.
MAM.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(CLW) == FALSE.
MAM.loathesEntirely(G) == TRUE.
G.loathesEntirely(MAM) == TRUE.
MMW.couldn'tCareLessFor(MAM) == TRUE.
CLW.isChildOf(BLW) == TRUE.


Ok, so what we have here is, MAM loathesEntirely at G and vice versa, but since G is also D, that means MAM loathesEntirely at D and vice versa, but a dog is a man's best friend, and MAM == man. Also, MAM isRomanticallyInterestedIn MMW and LLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn BLW. Also, CLW isChildOf BLW, and since BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn LLW, that means CLW isChildOf LLW is also TRUE. But MAM == LLW, which should mean that BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, which would also mean that MMW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, but MMW couldn'tCareLessFor MAM, and besides, that would also mean that CLW isChildOf MMW, but CLW == C and MMW != C so probably CLW isChildOf MMW is false. Furthermore, since CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn G that also means CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn D, which isBestFriendTo MAM, which equals LLW, thus LLW isBestFriendTo G, which equals furry, therefore CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn FriendsOf(F) where FriendsOf(F) equals the set of those interested in furry folk, which includes MMW, who is not the mother of CLW. Ergo, FAKE.

"The Spiderwick Chronicles" is Fake

The Spiderwick Chronicles is a tale of a brave forest creature, named Hogsqueal (voice by Seth Rogen) who bravely awaits the day when he can finally free the forest from the fearsome dark lord Mulgarath.

I know this movie is fake because of the name. "Spiderwick" is the name of one of the secondary characters in the movie, the last name of the man who discovered the invisible forest creatures. Can you imagine how cruelly he must have been teased in junior high? He probably got the crap beaten out of him every day. Any loving parent would have changed their name and moved to a different city to protect their son with such a boneheaded last name. FAKE.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" is Fake

Alvin and the Chipmunks is a movie about a young woman (played by Cameron Richardson) who longs for the affections of her artsy neighbor (Dave) but has a hard time dealing with his schizophrenic delusions of a life with talking chipmunks.

Early in the movie, Dave comes home frustrated after having his music rejected for a recording contract. He angrily throws all of his musical equipment outside on the lawn, including his Roland keyboard. Later it starts to rain and he forgets that he has all of his equipment outside on the lawn for some time, until he is finally reminded about it, regrets his rash decision, and hurries outside to try to recover all of his equipment. After several trips he manages to bring all of his equipment inside.

This is what is so fake. After all of that heavy rain, he surely would have slipped and fallen, or at least dropped something, at least one time. FAKE.

"August Rush" is Fake

August Rush is a movie about a homeless musician (played by Robin Williams) who discovers a musical prodigy, but whose dream of hitting the big time is shattered when the boy runs away forever. Also, he looks a lot like Bono.

August Rush is a musical movie. Here's a list of the songs in the movie:

• Main Title (Mark Mancina)
• Bach/Break (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Moondance (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• This Time (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Bari Improv (Kaki King)
• Ritual Dance (Kaki King)
• Raise It Up (Jaima Simone Nash)
• Dueling Guitars (Heitor Pereira & Doug Smith)
• Elgar/Something Inside (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• August's Rhapsody
• Someday (John Legend)
• King of the Earth (John Ondrasik)
• God Bless the Child (Paula Cole)
• La Bamba (Leon Thomas III)

Notice anything there? No "Finding My Way." No "2112 Overture." No "Spirit of Radio." No "Tom Sawyer." No "Manhattan Project." There is not a single Rush song anywhere in the entire movie. Talk about FAKE.

"National Treasure: Book of Secrets" is Fake

Here's another fake movie for you - National Treasure: Book of Secrets. It is a movie about a guy named Riley Poole (played by Justin Bartha) who has his Ferrari repossessed by the IRS, and his quest to get his Ferrari back by finding the ancient City of Gold.

There's a couple of things that clued me in that this movie was fake. First of all, there's this part where two characters played by Jon Voight and Helen Mirren swing on a vine across a chasm and land on the other side. After they collapse on the opposite cliff, they first scream, then laugh, then kiss affectionately. Are you serious? Old people don't kiss. Fake.

And, of course, they find the city of gold. But it is hardly a city. Los Angeles is a city. Paris is a city. This thing would hardly classify as a village. They should have called it the "neighborhood of gold" or the "hamlet of gold" or something. Fake.

So now you know - National Treasure: Book of Secrets is FAKE.

"Enchanted" Is Fake

On family vacation one of the movies my kids watched while I drove was Enchanted, with Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey. I've watched this movie before with my kids, and I hate to tell you, but: Enchanted is FAKE.
There's a couple of things that clued me in. First off, recall the morning after the first night Giselle stayed over at Robert's apartment. There is no way she could clean the entire apartment, take a shower, and make a new dress in so short a time, even with the help of the local city wildlife. Women just don't get ready for the day that quickly. Fake. And also, did you notice how Robert's girlfriend, Nancy, encouraged him to kiss Giselle as the clock struck midnight, to see if maybe it was true love between them? Women are very jealous creatures! Women I know get very jealous of other women that their boyfriends/husbands don't even care about! There is no way a woman would want her boyfriend to kiss someone else, even if it was to save her life. Fake.

So there you have it. Enchanted might be an entertaining family film, but it is FAKE.