A New Fan!

Dan writes:

Dear moviesarefake:
I'm starting to get pretty dang [concerned and worried about you] because the quantity of your posts seems to have dropped off since last month [and I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of other fans worldwide who share similar concerns and feelings. Plus, our lives have started to lose meaning since you haven't been] blogging as much anymore.
[If it isn't too much to ask, please find the time to deliver more posts. I really really like your website, it is amazing.]

Sincerely,

Dan Pippington
Cross Shepherd, East West Virginia

Dan,

Thank you for your kind, kind letter. Believe me, I do realize how much my blog posts mean to all of my loyal fans. All I have to say for myself is, Don't you realize the Olympics have been going on recently? What exactly is your problem? I don't owe you ANYTHING! Why don't you just shut the crap up and I'll post whenever I please.

Thank you again. Have a nice day.

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" is Fake

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" is a love story about a very humanistic cyborg named "Tee Ecks" (played by Kristanna Loken) who travels back in time in pursuit of the man of her dreams, John Connor (played by Nick Stahl), willing to, uh, terminate anyone or anything that gets in the way of a relationship with her one true love.

Much of this movie is based in reality. For example, SkyNet, cyborgs, and time travel all have Wikipedia entries and are therefore real. There are people in my neighborhood who are definitely cyborgs from the future. I mean, I don't know that for a fact, but you really only have to look at them and you can tell. Also real: the fact that someone like John Connor would be interested in Tee. Without going into detail, let me just say Kristanna Loken + machine + vampire and we know we're really getting somewhere wild.

What is fake about this movie then? That other Terminator dude. He shows up, thinking that no, there's no way he's gonna let John and Tee get together. Instead he locks him in the back of a truck with Claire Daines, hoping maybe they will hook up (yeah, right!) and instead secretly hopes that maybe Tee will want him instead. Let's get real here. What would she ever see in someone like the Terminator? He's not her type at all! FAKE.

Two Letters In One Day!!!

Two loyal readers wrote to me today. First I got another follow-up e-mail from Tiny Tim:

Dear moviesarefake:
What do you mean, does Roosevelt have the whole Internet? Do you even know how the Internet works? [Because I don't, and I would love it if you would teach me. And I really love your movie reviews, a lot.]

[Warmest regards,]
[Tiny] Tim Timson

Little Bill also wrote:

Dear moviesarefake:
I don't even have a big brother. And I'm not little - I'm like 6'4" and 225. And I don't even watch Pokemon. [I watch Little Einsteins. Ooh, I think that June is a hottie!]

[Loyally yours,]
[Little] Bill Kindling

I figured I would just answer both of you at the same time. I do not have the time to teach you how cartoons work. June is definitely hot, but not nearly so much as July and August. What does that have to do with the Internet? But thank you for your loyal patronage!

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is Fake

"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is a tale of woe and lost love, where Christine Baranski plays Martha May Whovier, a woman who let her long for acceptance and popularity get the best of her and lost her chance at a happy life with The Grinch, a man that could also double as a pet.

Note: This review is about the Ron Howard movie, not the Chuck Jones cartoon version with the same title, which might be real.

Anyway, this movie took some thinking. I was watching it, noticing that something about it just didn't feel right. "This movie seems fake," I thought to myself, "but I just can't put my finger on it.

I had to resort to math, and this is how I proved this movie is fake. Here's the proof:

Let Martha May Whovier = MMW
Let The Grinch = G
Let The Grinch's Dog = D
Let Cindy Lou Who = CLW
Let Mayor Augustus Maywho = MAM
Let Lou Lou Who = LLW
Let Betty Lou Who = BLW
Let cute = C
Let furry = F
Let pet = P
Let man = M


Now then.

MMW != C
CLW == C
therefore CLW != MMW.
G == F
D == F
therefore G == D.
MAM == M
LLM == M
therefore MAM == LLM.
CLW.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MMW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(G) == TRUE.
MAM.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(MMW) == TRUE.
LLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(BLW) == TRUE.
BLW.isRomanticallyInterestedIn(LLW) == TRUE.
MAM.isPlatonicallyInterestedIn(CLW) == FALSE.
MAM.loathesEntirely(G) == TRUE.
G.loathesEntirely(MAM) == TRUE.
MMW.couldn'tCareLessFor(MAM) == TRUE.
CLW.isChildOf(BLW) == TRUE.


Ok, so what we have here is, MAM loathesEntirely at G and vice versa, but since G is also D, that means MAM loathesEntirely at D and vice versa, but a dog is a man's best friend, and MAM == man. Also, MAM isRomanticallyInterestedIn MMW and LLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn BLW. Also, CLW isChildOf BLW, and since BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn LLW, that means CLW isChildOf LLW is also TRUE. But MAM == LLW, which should mean that BLW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, which would also mean that MMW isRomanticallyInterestedIn MAM, but MMW couldn'tCareLessFor MAM, and besides, that would also mean that CLW isChildOf MMW, but CLW == C and MMW != C so probably CLW isChildOf MMW is false. Furthermore, since CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn G that also means CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn D, which isBestFriendTo MAM, which equals LLW, thus LLW isBestFriendTo G, which equals furry, therefore CLW isPlatonicallyInterestedIn FriendsOf(F) where FriendsOf(F) equals the set of those interested in furry folk, which includes MMW, who is not the mother of CLW. Ergo, FAKE.

Tad Asks About Remakes

Tad, famous for his flawed "Sequels of Fake Movies Should Be Fake" hypothesis, asked:

Dear moviesarefake:

Are remakes of fake movies still fake? What if the remake addresses the thing that made the original fake - would that make the remake non-fake? [I really want to know, because I'm concerned that perhaps you might claim that a Star Trek movie is not real after all, and then the very foundation of my life would be shaken, but then perhaps I could remake the movie, and then my life would have meaning again. And, your website is totally teh bomb.]

-Tad

Thank you Tad, I assume you mean that last line as a compliment, although you misspelled the word teh. And your observation is very astute. Like I said before, every movie has to be evaluated on its own merit, independently of all others.

To give you an example, suppose a person was fake. Then suppose that person is reincarnated. The reincarnated version could be real. Then the reincarnated version could go back in time, and replace the fake version. I bet that has already happened.

However, in your particular example, if you remade any Star Trek movies they would probably also be fake, because you could not do it. Don't set yourself up for failure, dreaming impossible dreams.

Are Cartoons Fake?

A severely astute fake reader asks:

Dear moviesarefake:

Couldn't we just make a sweeping statement and declare that all cartoons and other animated features are fake? That would help out tremendously [because my big brother keeps saying that Pokemon is real and he is going to beat the crap out of me if I dare tell him that Pokemon is fake, and if you would back me up it would be awesome, because then he could beat the crap out of you instead of me. I'm so freaking sick of Pokemon anyway. And your website rules.]

["Little"] Bill Kindling
via the Internet

Nicely done, Little Bill. I'm so proud of you for having learned to use the Internet! I'm very glad you like this website, but unfortunately, we cannot make such a statement about cartoons and other animated features. To give you one example, I have not explored much under the sea, so it is very possible there is a pineapple down there, and that a sponge lives inside it. And don't even get me started on anime, which I'm pretty sure is real, much like kung-fu.

Like I said before, there is only one way to find out, and that is to watch every single movie and determine it for myself! Only then will I prove that movies are fake.

More Correspondence From Tiny Tim

I got some fake follow-up mail from Tiny Tim of Roosevelt, Utah:

Dear moviesarefake,

I wanted to address a concern I had about the letter I wrote you, which you posted on your blog. First of all, my name is not "Tiny" Tim, and I really don't appreciate you saying that. And also, where do you come off saying that there is no Internet in Roosevelt, Utah? Of course we have the Internet! [But please don't be upset by my e-mail, because I really love your website. A lot.]

["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Again, thank you, Tiny Tim, for your letter, although I must take issue with you on one topic - of course your name is Tiny Tim. What else would it be? However, I do stand corrected on the issue of whether Roosevelt has the Internet. A simple Google search revealed a company that provides Internet service to Roosevelt. But, I ask you: Do they have the whole Internet? I doubt it.

"First Blood" is Fake

First Blood is the story of the sheriff of the town of Hope (played by Brian Dennehy) and his infamous treatment of a Vietnam-war veteran that subsequently drove him into insanity and resulted in the violent mutilation and death of hundreds of people in many subsequent movies.

The whole premise of First Blood is based upon the drifter Vietnam veteran John Rambo. Throughout the movie, various references are made to the war and to John Rambo in the war - how he was awarded various medals for his heroism during the war, the places he'd been, the men he'd worked with and commanded, the equipment he'd used.

The key word here is "veteran." Veteran means survivor, i.e. someone who was in the Vietnam war and survived. Come on! There were no survivors of the Vietnam war! Every single person in that war died! FAKE.

"Wedding Crashers" is Fake

Wedding Crashers is the tale of a successful father, played by Christopher Walken, whose greatest desire is to see his two daughters (played by Rachel McAdams and Isla Fisher) get married and form the world's greatest table-tennis doubles team. I meant, get married to other people, sheesh.

I watched a brief clip of this movie last night while flipping through the channels. I knew it was fake when I saw Vince Vaughn keep getting decleated in football by Bradley Cooper. Where was the fight? The violence? If he won't even stand up and fight that dude, how could there have possibly been any crashes in the movie elsewhere? FAKE.

Regarding the Fakeness of Sequels

Tad writes:

Dear moviesarefake:

I am wondering if sequels of fake movies are also fake by definition. It seems to me that they should be. And likewise, if a movie is not-fake, any sequels of that movie would also be fake.

Can you please let me know if this is true? And if so, could you please hurry up and review one of the Star Trek movies? I'm very anxious for you to do this, because my entire life is based upon my conviction that Star Trek is real, and it would be nice if I knew for sure, so I'll know whether to try to get my money back from my Star Trek Convention registration.

Desperately,

Tad Thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............................................
(via the internet)

Dear Tad, I know your letter is fake because I can see that you do not even know how to spell your own last name. But the question, however, is worth discussing.

The short answer to your question is, unfortunately, that rule does not hold true: Sequels of fake movies are not necessarily fake.

To prove this, let's turn it around. Suppose you told a story about your life one day, like how you bought every possible type of TV dinner and watched every single episode of Star Trek in sequence without leaving the house, answering the telephone or even taking a shower. Then the next day, you tell another story about your life, about the time Jessica Simpson kept calling you on the phone, crying and begging you to please oh please just go out with her just once, until you finally relented. The second story is obviously fake, but the first one is obviously real. This proves that it is possible to tell one true story, but have a sequel be fake.

Now note that if you had told the second story before actually telling the first, even though the first one occurred several days earlier, it doesn't change anything. You are still a Star Trek wacko.

This proves irrefutably that sequels of fake movies could possibly be non-fake, as well as prequels. For example, just because "The Empire Strikes Back" may be fake (I don't know yet, I haven't done the exhaustive analysis) doesn't mean that "Attack of the Clones" isn't fake, and likewise, even if "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is fake, that doesn't mean that "Patriot Games" is not fake.

So, good news and bad news. The bad news is you will have to wait for me to analyze every single Star Trek movie, which is likely to never, ever happen. The good news is, you still have hope that one or more of them may not be fake! So keep reading and chin up. The bottom line is, we must definitively prove the fakeness of each and every movie ever made to demonstrate that all movies are fake. And it is my mission to do so, until every movie has been analyzed, or until I get bored. Carry on!

"Casino Royale" is Fake

In Casino Royale, Le Chiffre (played by Mads Mikkelsen) attempts to raise money to free oppressed African people, but his attempts are thwarted by James Bond and his beautiful Aston Martin.


And speaking of that, did you see that Aston Martin? What a beautiful piece of work that thing is. The look, the sound - ah. Such an awesome car. Just look at that thing. It is such an elite car, so rare - makes a Ferrari seem like a Corvette in comparison. Too bad he crashed it.

By the way, image credit courtesy pistonheads.com.

Anyway, that is what is so fake. If you had an Aston Martin, would you even take the risk wrecking it just to try to save someone like Vesper Lynd? Of course not! You'd cut your losses and move on, and protect that car. FAKE.

No wonder he let her drown at the end.