A Concerned Reader Pipes Up

I got this letter from another reader. I am so appreciative of all my loyal readers. I reply to each and every letter I get, and I really take all of the constructive criticism to heart, in order that I may make this blog better for you, the reader.*

Anyway, here is the letter:

Dear moviesarefake,

I just had to respond to your posting entitled Fake Correspondence Number 1. I get the impression that you may have changed the author's original intent of their letter by only quoting parts of it, interjecting terms, etc. I don't think that is fair. [And also, I really, really love your website, all of it.]

Sincerely,
["Tiny"] Tim Timson
Roosevelt, Utah

Well, Tiny Tim, I thank you for your letter. In fairness, Mr. or Mrs. Withheld, author of Fake Correspondence Number 1, was a bit crass and offensive in their letter, so I just kind of changed the wording a little bit, to make it a bit more palatable. To myself, mostly. Anyway, I'm glad you really enjoy this blog. Although, I have to say I know your post is fake, because they do not have the Internet in Roosevelt, Utah.


*At least partially fake

"The Golden Compass" is Fake

In The Golden Compass, Eva Green plays Serafina Pekkala, the reincarnated witch form of Vesper Lynd who tragically died in a drowning accident in "Casino Royale," another fake movie. Serafina is on a quest to find James Bond who is running a research facility deep in the northern wilderness.

After some time into this movie you find that there is a machine being used by the wicked peeps that severs the connection between a child and his/her daemon. You have got to be kidding me. How stupid do they think we are? Dust is other-worldly! You can't sever the dust connection between a child and their daemon with some simple electronic machine! Give me a break. The Golden Compass is fake, fake, FAKE.

Fake Correspondence Number 1

Even though this blog is relatively new, apparently I have at least one fake loyal reader. I present to you some fake correspondence here (edited for content and to fit this screen):

[Dear] moviesarefake,

I think your ... website [is really amazing].... You can take this letter and [post] it right up [on] your [website]. [I think that would be really amazing, because I really love everything] you [have written, it is totally hilarious, keep it up bro].

[Warmest regards],
(Name Withheld)
Carrot River, Saskatchewan, Canada

Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Withheld. I appreciate your kind words about my blog. I take the greatest care to make sure that you, my loyal readers, know why so many movies are fake, even if you live in a place that does not have movies yet (like Carrot River).

"The Spiderwick Chronicles" is Fake

The Spiderwick Chronicles is a tale of a brave forest creature, named Hogsqueal (voice by Seth Rogen) who bravely awaits the day when he can finally free the forest from the fearsome dark lord Mulgarath.

I know this movie is fake because of the name. "Spiderwick" is the name of one of the secondary characters in the movie, the last name of the man who discovered the invisible forest creatures. Can you imagine how cruelly he must have been teased in junior high? He probably got the crap beaten out of him every day. Any loving parent would have changed their name and moved to a different city to protect their son with such a boneheaded last name. FAKE.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" is Fake

Alvin and the Chipmunks is a movie about a young woman (played by Cameron Richardson) who longs for the affections of her artsy neighbor (Dave) but has a hard time dealing with his schizophrenic delusions of a life with talking chipmunks.

Early in the movie, Dave comes home frustrated after having his music rejected for a recording contract. He angrily throws all of his musical equipment outside on the lawn, including his Roland keyboard. Later it starts to rain and he forgets that he has all of his equipment outside on the lawn for some time, until he is finally reminded about it, regrets his rash decision, and hurries outside to try to recover all of his equipment. After several trips he manages to bring all of his equipment inside.

This is what is so fake. After all of that heavy rain, he surely would have slipped and fallen, or at least dropped something, at least one time. FAKE.

"Batman Begins" is Fake

Since The Dark Knight was released today, I thought it fitting that I take this opportunity to tell you that its predecessor, Batman Begins, is fake.

Batman Begins is a movie about a long-time employee of Wayne Enterprises named Lucius Fox (played by Morgan Freeman) who is fired from his job for helping a new employee steal company property for personal use, and how he helps the new employee leverage himself into becoming the company owner, which in turn enables him to re-hire Fox to a more prestigious position in the company.

I knew this movie was fake near the beginning when Bruce Wayne and his friend, Henri Ducard, are sliding down a glacier toward a high mountain cliff after Ducard's crib was destroyed. Wayne manages to catch the unconscious Ducard with one hand, stop himself from falling off the cliff with the other just as Ducard goes over the edge, and then save Ducard (a 200 pound man, mind you) by doing a straight one-arm bicep curl of that man, lifting him up onto the cliff's edge. Who do you know that can do a dead curl of 200 pounds? Nobody who looks like Bruce Wayne, that's for sure. FAKE.

"August Rush" is Fake

August Rush is a movie about a homeless musician (played by Robin Williams) who discovers a musical prodigy, but whose dream of hitting the big time is shattered when the boy runs away forever. Also, he looks a lot like Bono.

August Rush is a musical movie. Here's a list of the songs in the movie:

• Main Title (Mark Mancina)
• Bach/Break (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Moondance (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• This Time (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• Bari Improv (Kaki King)
• Ritual Dance (Kaki King)
• Raise It Up (Jaima Simone Nash)
• Dueling Guitars (Heitor Pereira & Doug Smith)
• Elgar/Something Inside (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
• August's Rhapsody
• Someday (John Legend)
• King of the Earth (John Ondrasik)
• God Bless the Child (Paula Cole)
• La Bamba (Leon Thomas III)

Notice anything there? No "Finding My Way." No "2112 Overture." No "Spirit of Radio." No "Tom Sawyer." No "Manhattan Project." There is not a single Rush song anywhere in the entire movie. Talk about FAKE.

"10,000 BC" is Fake

10,000 BC is about the quest of an old warlord (played by Affif Ben Badra) to win the heart of a beautiful woman, who, in spite of all the kindness he showers upon her, refuses to give herself to him because she is smitten by a childhood crush that she can't let go of.

This movie didn't take long at all to determine it was fake. It's easy to tell. Know how? Because the woman in question, played by Camilla Belle, is a freaking hottie. There were no hot chicks that long ago! FAKE.

"National Treasure: Book of Secrets" is Fake

Here's another fake movie for you - National Treasure: Book of Secrets. It is a movie about a guy named Riley Poole (played by Justin Bartha) who has his Ferrari repossessed by the IRS, and his quest to get his Ferrari back by finding the ancient City of Gold.

There's a couple of things that clued me in that this movie was fake. First of all, there's this part where two characters played by Jon Voight and Helen Mirren swing on a vine across a chasm and land on the other side. After they collapse on the opposite cliff, they first scream, then laugh, then kiss affectionately. Are you serious? Old people don't kiss. Fake.

And, of course, they find the city of gold. But it is hardly a city. Los Angeles is a city. Paris is a city. This thing would hardly classify as a village. They should have called it the "neighborhood of gold" or the "hamlet of gold" or something. Fake.

So now you know - National Treasure: Book of Secrets is FAKE.

"Jumper" Is Fake

Jumper is a movie about a young girl (played by AnnaSophia Robb) who is given a snow ball as a gift by a young boy just before he has an accident in which she believes he dies, only to find out 8 years later that he actually survived the accident.

I watched this movie last night for the first time, and it took a while for me to determine whether it was fake. I finally clued in to it when a couple of the other characters (called "jumpers") went to a secret hideout in the middle of the Sahara desert. And when I looked around the hideout, I realized: "There is no sand anywhere in this hideout!"

Do you know how windy it is in the Sahara desert? Well, me neither, but I'm willing to imagine it gets pretty windy there sometimes. And that would blow sand all over everything, including secret hideouts. It should have had thin layers of sand all over everything.

And that's when I figured it out. "Jumper" = FAKE.

"Enchanted" Is Fake

On family vacation one of the movies my kids watched while I drove was Enchanted, with Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey. I've watched this movie before with my kids, and I hate to tell you, but: Enchanted is FAKE.
There's a couple of things that clued me in. First off, recall the morning after the first night Giselle stayed over at Robert's apartment. There is no way she could clean the entire apartment, take a shower, and make a new dress in so short a time, even with the help of the local city wildlife. Women just don't get ready for the day that quickly. Fake. And also, did you notice how Robert's girlfriend, Nancy, encouraged him to kiss Giselle as the clock struck midnight, to see if maybe it was true love between them? Women are very jealous creatures! Women I know get very jealous of other women that their boyfriends/husbands don't even care about! There is no way a woman would want her boyfriend to kiss someone else, even if it was to save her life. Fake.

So there you have it. Enchanted might be an entertaining family film, but it is FAKE.

Ground Rules

Before we get going here, I should establish some ground rules for determining whether a movie is fake.

1. If any part of a movie is fake then the whole movie is fake.
2. One need not actually see a movie to know it is fake.
3. Portrayals of "true" stories are not necessarily non-fake.
4. Determinations of "fake" are generally not subject to review.

If any of this is not clear, please accept my apology. I'm sorry.

Actually, that is also fake. I'm not sorry. I don't care if it is clear. Please accept my fake apology.